Adventures of Akufadumamai

Episode: The Beginning of the End?

Some of you have asked why the celibacy. Well it's just something I do every now and again. Recently I have discovered a potential health problem (will find out today) no not an STD. But this is not the reason.

All I can say is through all my conquests every once in a while there is one girl who fills that big black hole in my chest where a heart is supposed to be.

With every day girls I meet here and there that I don't really care about it's fairly easy to forget about them. Because there is no emotional attachment on my part and most of the time there isn't one on theirs either. But as I said every now and again one comes along that is worth a lot more to me than a couple of hours of entertainment.

When it comes to these special women, believe it or not, I have no clue what to do. Seriously I don't.
I mean meeting them gaming them is very easy for me. But keeping the worth while ones is hard because I don't want to treat them like all the others. But at the same time how do I keep the interest high.

I know and admit that being a player has it's perks. But believe it or not it also has some bigger drawbacks.

What really sucks though. Even as a the big tough guy that I am. I also know that I appear to be an insensitive prick. But that is just a protection mechanism not allowing people to get close etc.

Believe it or not deep down I am a normal guy with his own set of emotions etc. When these special women come into my life I turn into a puppy dog. Nine times out ten they tend rip what is left of my heart out chew it up and spit it out.

So recently I have through this whole ordeal once again. Unfortunately when it happens I go into a huge downard spiral. Both Revek and Fungster88 have witnessed probably the worst of it. They both have seen me in my lowest state.

A few weeks ago I was asked to write an article for a local training group. About the relationship between mental strength and it's effect on training I am still working on it, I should be finished in a couple of weeks. In fact I am re-visiting it now because I am seeing how this downward spiral is effecting my training now.

I know, I sound really bizarre, and I know, you will all have fun at my expense and it's cool. But hey that is what is fun about HoC right?

If I may I can post the article here when completed. However, it is about 17 pages at the moment. Below is an excerpt

[excerpt]

This healing process begins by chipping away at our ‘outer shell’. The life stories are a part of us and they always will be, but the key is not to let them define us and who we are. Once we accept this fact we will realize that we will overcome this perception of ourselves. We will no longer be the lonely person in a bar, we will no longer be the high school loser, we will no longer see that fat person in the mirror, or the child whose life was destroyed by their parents.

Unfortunately, we take these stories and allow them to define who we are and what happened to us. These are just stories that we have created they are NOT who we are. Whether the stories were created by us or someone else, we being humans and humans are usually fatalists we tend to confuse them with reality. This is where the problem begins. These stories attach labels, conceptions, ideas about ourselves that we see ourselves as characters in these stories.

These characters in turn create and even bigger problem they will eventually become inner demons that constantly get fed with these thoughts of self-deprecation. The demons constantly bombard us with thoughts like: 'I wish I would have done that differently', 'Why am I alone', 'What did I do wrong in that relationship', 'I will die alone'. Even worse, these demons manifest themselves in our minds as voices and most of us can not silence them and of course, being the fatalist humans that we are we begin to believe these inner demons and they will not go away.

I am going to use a metaphor here to show how our demons will grow. Demons according to several stories come from fire (or hell, whatever you want to call it). Fires tend to get bigger the more we feed them, the more we feed them, the more they spread. We feed these fires unintentionally and the more situations we get into the bigger the fires, the bigger the demons, the more you will hear these thoughts of self deprecation. Here are some examples to think about. How many people wish they could have been a better parent, or how many people that wish they could do High School or University over again, or how many people dwell on the ghost of 'the one that got away'. We are our own worst enemy we think, we beat ourselves up and we are hard on ourselves. One thing that most of us have to learn is the power of forgiveness; forgiving yourself or others.

We rationalize the way we act and what we do by these past experiences. It's not my fault... It was my parents, I didn't go to a good enough school, I was born too short, not pretty enough, not rich enough. The list goes on. How many of these rationalizations have we have all said about ourselves? Now, here is the slam dunk: We cling to these situations and stories all we are doing if feeding the fires which in turn feed the demons and we are not really healing at all. Got that? If not, here is a little more plain English explanation. It always appears that we are healing because we are dealing with our emotions but in actuality we are not. We are stuck in a viscous circle of repetitive self abuse and guess what the more we go around in this circle the more we feed the fires and the more we feed the demons and the deeper the spiral goes.

[excerpt]