Revek's Guide to Celebacy

In honor of Aku's decision on remaining celebate for a year, I thought I would write a guide to help him in his endeavours.

1. Stop going to the gym. Since you are not trying to impress any ladies, you do not need to dedicate yourself to mainting your physique. Remember, nothing says celibate better than Rumby Dumpy. To determine if you have achived the correct level of dumpyness, beutiful women should be looking through you rather than at you. Note: It is possible to go too far in the Rumpy Dumpy physique, which would cause a different kind of attention. When people start looking at you with a look in their eyes that says: "I hope he does not finish the buffet!" you have gone too far, and need to go back to the gym.

2. Dress to Blend with your surroundings. Nothing will help you be unoticed better than a suit made of the same fabric as the cubicle walls. If you work in a large office that has multiple themes and fabric color schemes, then you should consider making your suite reversible and try to plan your day so that most of your time is spent in the 2 regions for which you have matching fabric.
3. Speach Therapy. You will need to take special speech therapy classes to learn how to radomly modulate your voice should you ever have a conversation with a beutiful woman. Especially important is to speak too softly when in a noisy area, and loudly when it is quite. You know you will have mastered this technique when you can time the switch to occur just as the noise level dies and she leans in to try to understand what you are saying.
4. Personal Hygiene. Now this is a tricky one. You have to find the correct balance of cleanliness, and unremarkability. Meaning that you should not wear any scents that please the senses, but you also do not want to have offensive B.O. It is also unwise to wear scents that may make you creepy. Baby powder is not recommended as a scent for the celibate man, as it could make an association between you and children, and you do not want that.
5. Going on Dates. What? Going on a Date? You thought that just because you have chosen a life of celibacy that you would not be able to go on dates? Well you are wrong! What you will need to do though, is plan them right so that then end result of the date, is of course: celibacy. You must select your candidate with great care. She must be very beautiful, and you must present yourself as the nice guy type figure. If you can present and air of desperation, and submissiveness so much the better. You know your date will have gone very well if the following have occured:
   • You do not get invited for a night cap
   • You go back home alone
   • You receive an email to next day which resembles the following:
     

     Hi xyz. I just wanted to say I really enjoyed my evening with you last night. You are a really nice guy, and very fun to be with. Can I borrow $400 from you to pay my rent? I'm willing to sign papers if you want.

     If your body language says that you have a big blinking neon sign on your forehead that says: SUCKER!, then you should have no problem finding the right women.

6. Stay out of the public eye. If you are not around people, then there is no chance of actually meeting any women that would potentially like you.
7. Carry the right accessories.Should you happen to be in public, nothing screams celibate better than the correct accessories. Examples of this would be any geek type literary material (ex. Game review magazines, Role Playing game rule books, Table top gaming rule books). If you happen to go to a crowded shopping mall for lunch, make sure you go to the local gaming store and buy the geekiest game available, then read the user guide. Slowly. Then read it in the other language. Slowly. Not only will this help to drive women away from you, but it could also potentially have the added advantage of drawing another geek to the table, where you can have a conversation comparing games, and the horrible implementation of the physics engine and shading. This will have the added bonus of clearing at least one table in each direction from where you are sitting, especially if the argument gets loud.
8. Drive the right vehicle. All new vehicles are out. It does not matter if it's a Lamborghini or a Spaghetti or a Lada. Any new car still looks, well, new. Your vehicle should be from the previous era, and be of the un-cool type. It should be utilitarian in nature, full of food wrappers from at least 5 different fast-food restaurants, and generate mechanical noises that make the passenger wonder if the car is in imminent failure. Copious amount of duct-tape in strategic locations also help. The duct-tape should only be there to make the car look like it is falling apart, not actually. After all, you do not want to accidentally kill anybody. Although, should a piece of your car fall off and strike the lady you took on a date earlier, that then will help to further guarantee your celibacy as the stories that she will tell will propagate and grow when they are told and re-told.

Now it is possible that even if you follow all of these steps, you may have a hidden talent or charisma that will attract certain women to you. An example of this would be publishing a fantasy novel about a vampire / magic world where you cast yourself as the lead character.

If you follow these simple steps, you will be well underway to living the next few decades in a life of celibacy.

Oh, as an addendum to step 1, you may want to at least consider one exercise equipment that you can do from your home: Essential Celibate Exercise Equipment