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BREAKING NEWS... literally.

By Coxxorz - Posted on 23 April 2010

So Blackwalt and I were on our usual afternoon booz– errr... coffee run...

When we happened across a slightly larger than normal crowd of students in the College Square mall parking lot.

Upon closer observation, the LCBO doors seemed to be awkwardly fixed in the open position for some reason, possibly related to the police cars and paramedics on the scene.

What we initially thought was just a pool of blood on the sidewalk from a rowdy bar fight/mass murder turned out to be much more serious.

Once the piles of lifeless teenage bodies and cel phones were removed from the scene, the true scope of the carnage was revealed: hundreds of young local wines had perished in the altercation.

Emergency workers tried for hours to rescue the badly shattered beverages, whose delicious juices blanketed the area, but sadly most could not be saved.

"It was horrible," recounted one shaken onlooker. "There was this sound of squealing tires and breaking glass and skateboards, and next thing I know this old lady in a car comes crashing through two sets of doors and just mows down all these freshly bottled Ontarians. Thank goodness all those idle students' bodies cushioned the impact, or we could have lost the Vintages, too."

Emotions ran high as a sizable crowd formed at the scene under the warm springtime sun. Many broke into tears as the sweet, fermented smell of the deceased wafted through the air.

"I can't believe they're really gone," said one distraught single mom. "I had just met Pinot from Peelee Island on Facebook, and was coming to meet him in person. He was going to become a registered VQA, but that's all over now. It's just a senseless act of violence, bless his spirits."

Representatives from the organization BACO (Brothers Against Centegenarian Operators) are renewing calls for a ban on elderly drivers, calling today's harvest completely preventable. While the Ministry of Transportation has declined to comment on this incident, they have confirmed a new law is in the works to require drivers over the age of 70 to have their cars retrofitted with external airbags.

For Channel H News, this is Coxxorz reporting.

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