My what big jaws you have

Seriously, what else were you expecting me to call this story?

Recognize these teeth?: You should.

The above photo was heavily photoshopped to remove my fingers. Deal with it.

So this January my dentist decided that if I did not cap one of my molars it was going to split right down the middle and it was time to do something about it.

Cutting the story short, my insurance did not cover cosmetic dentistry. Guba's insurance said "sure, whatever, here's 50%." My dentist argued with my insurance over the exact definition of cosmetic which included taking pictures of the inside of my mouth. I can not tell a lie. They were beautiful. So much so that my insurance coughed up 30% and Guba said "close enough, go fix your tooth." So I did.

No that's not all there is. Sorry.

Side by side: Nope, no real gold or silver, they are just markers

I don't know what you expect out of these photos. It's not like I have a photo lab in my basement.

So the pink mold is my bottom teeth and the white is my top teeth. The gold marked tooth is the one that was capped.

The procedure for capping your tooth is to take a massive number of molds of your upper and lower teeth. Shave off the top half of your broken tooth, take more molds and wait a week for the lab to make your cap and mail it back to the dentist's office.

Wait. A week? But you just shaved off half of my tooth!

No problem, we will insert this temporary plastic molded tooth. Remember not to eat anything, chew on anything or drink anything. Specially not coffee.

After the heart palpitations died away the dentist explained that she was joking. About the coffee.

How long will the temporary plastic tooth last?

Oh, about a week.

When's my next appointment?

In eight days.

Wait a minute...

Don't worry. You'll be fine.

And it turns out I had nothing to worry about. The temporary tooth lasted exactly five days. It fell out on Sunday. Three days before my next appointment. And I checked, mini rolos were not on the banned list.

So surprise, surprise. Could not eat, could not drink. Well... technically. The rye and coke worked fine, I just had to use a straw.

So first thing this morning (Monday) I called my dentist to be told by the receptionist that "sometimes we don't bother replacing the temporary tooth if the appointment is only a day or two away. Let me talk to your dentist and call you back."

Great.

She did call back and booked me an appointment that afternoon for 1:50 (Monday). Which is when I showed up, after hardly eating anything and only managing to drink one cup of coffee which was both satisfying and painful at the same time.

An appointment for today? Are you sure? There's nothing in the book...

Well, they found me. Eventually and booked me in again. 15 minutes later they found me again to tell me they were running late but they would open another examining room to get me in earlier and then my dentist could pop right in to see to my tooth as soon as she was free.

Fine, whatever, please fix this gaping hole!!!

And then my dentist walked by to a cupboard in the reception area. I decided not to bother her directly as she was probably harassed enough. So I didn't. I know! What amazing restraint.

So I was doubly surprised when after watching her pull a box out of the cupboard she turned and walked over to me. Still carrying the box. Which had my name on it!

"How about instead of replacing your temporary tooth we put in your permanent cap. It showed up early."

Well how about that! That would be great.

And we've had a cancellation so I can fit you in for the full appointment required at 2:50 which is thirty minutes. It will probably be closer to three. Is that okay? Can you manage to walk around the mall for that long?

Well, sure I do that almost every day, except I usually have Coxxorz with me...

Are you still reading this? I mean really, it's starting to drag on and I still have a lot of ground (teeth?) to cover. Well, fine, whatever. Keep reading then.

So I phoned my daycare provider/babysitter who I had dropped off at Chapters with Rolly and said "have fun walking home. In the rain." Sadly that is pretty much verbatim.

And then wandered around the mall for about thirty minutes which seems a lot longer when Coxxorz isn't with you.

And thirty minutes later at 2:55 I walked in to find my dentist waiting for me. She took me to the back room to fit my final and permanent cap.

she scrapped/tapped my tooth with one of those pointy painful looking things that dentists use. "Does that hurt?"

No.

Then we won't give you a shot of anesthesia today.

Fine, whatever.

What are you grinning at?

So then the fitting process started. Despite the number of molds taken there was still a lengthy process of fitting the tooth. She checked the fit, removed the cap and filed the cap some more. Several times. But at least she was filing the cap. Wait. Not yet.

She kept having issues with the replacement tooth rocking back and forth. Eventually...

Umm, I think the mold shifted. I can't get the tooth to stop rocking and that means the cement won't bind properly and will leave a gap.

What's that mean?

Another appointment to take more molds.

Just for the molds?

Yes and then we have to ship it away and have another second appointment to put the new cap in. I can't remember the last time we had to to a remold.

Great.

Okay, do you still have the plastic tooth? We can put it back in. She asked after booking my followup appointment.

Well, strangely, yes I did. So she took it and had her assistant start cleaning it.

Let me just check one more thing. Hand me the explorer she asked her assistant.

The heart palpitations threatened to start again but it turned out that the "explorer" is just the name of another one of those steel pointy things you aren't supposed to put in your mouth.

So she stuck it in my mouth. And proceeded to scrap away at my non-anesthetized half tooth looking for bits she may have missed. It didn't hurt but...

Hey, there seemed to be a piece of glue from the plastic tooth that I missed earlier. It's the same colour as your teeth so... Let's try that cap again.

Hey look! A perfect fit. Now we just have to clean your tooth to allow the permanent cement to bond properly.

So while her assistant mixed up the permanent cement she took out one of the spinning rubber tipped cleaning tools, added paste and applied it directly to the exposed nerve of my half tooth. And she knew what was going to happen because she cleaned the entire tooth in one swift decisive move across the top and had her tools out of my mouth before I hit the ceiling and finished screaming like a little girl. Seriously, parents of little children ran in from the next room to try to save the child in distress. After they saw what was happening not a single one of them stayed to help me! Not a good Samaritan among them.

Then my dentist had me rinse...

I'd rather not talk about it.

After that it pretty much went text book with the cap fitting in perfectly and no more adjustments.

We cancelled my future appointments and got cleaned up. Me and the room.

I'm just going to throw these molds of your teeth out. Do think Rolly would like them?

Yes. Yes he would. (He did. He was ecstatic. He ran around with them biting whatever he could. His daycare provider was greatly entertained. And Rolly couldn't wait to show them to Guba when she got home.)

As I settled up with the dentist she warned me that the permanent cement would take seven minutes to properly cure.

But Tim Horton's is only two minutes away!